How to Notice When You’ve Left Yourself in Motherhood…And Gently Come Back
Motherhood invites us into joy, love, exhaustion, and everything in between. But sometimes the weight of it all feels like too much, and without even realising it, we step away from the very feelings that make us human.
This stepping away or leaving our body has a name: impasse.
An impasse is the way we avoid feeling. It’s the body’s strategy for protecting us when emotions or sensations feel overwhelming. These patterns are deeply human and we all carry them. It’s so important to remember that they are not wrong or shameful. They were learned long ago, often in childhood, when we needed them to cope because we didn’t feel safe.
But in motherhood, these impasses can quietly interrupt our ability to be present, to connect, and to meet our children with empathy.
What Impasse Looks Like
Here are some common impasses:
Zoning out, spacing, or dissociating
Numbing with TV, food, alcohol, social media, shopping
Obsessing, worrying, negative forecasting
Collapsing or giving up
Arguing, blaming, procrastinating
Distracting yourself with busyness
Even “healthy” things like yoga or meditation when used to avoid feeling what’s alive now
These are embodied patterns and ways we move away from feeling. They’re familiar, automatic, and often invisible to us until we pause and notice.
Why We Developed Them
Impasse is not failure. It is survival.
Somewhere in our past, there was a moment when the feeling was too big, too unsafe, or too unsupported. Our body learned: “I can’t stay here. I need another way.” And so, it found one dissociation, control, avoidance.
The pattern worked then and it protected us when we didn’t feel safe to fully feel our emotions. But now, as mothers, when our children need us to stay and feel with them, these old patterns can get in the way.
The Cost of Living in Impasse
When we’re in impasse, we’re not truly present. We lose access to empathy, softness, and connection. We may notice ourselves snapping when we want to soothe, numbing when we want to care, or shutting down when we long to engage.
And our children notice. They don’t just listen to our words, ultimately they embody what we do. They sense when we’re not there, and they learn from how we handle our own feelings.
Meeting Impasse With Compassion
The way through is not to shame or fight against our patterns. It’s to notice them with a tonne of compassion. To say, “Ah, I’ve left. My body’s protecting me right now.” And then, gently, to return.
Some small ways to begin:
Pause and breathe. One slow, intentional breath can open the door back into your body.
Feel your feet. Let the ground carry some of what you’re holding.
Place a hand on your heart or belly. Touch invites presence.
Name it. Saying “I’m checking out right now” or “I want to fix this” can soften its grip.
Each time we notice an impasse and come back, we build our capacity to stay with ourselves and with our children.
Continue Reading
Embodied Motherhood: Rediscovering Your Body on the Journey of Becoming a Mother
Motherhood, Guilt, and the Myth of Getting It Right All the Time
Sleep Deprivation in Motherhood: How Exhaustion Affects Your Nervous System & Parenting
Why Taking Care of Your Body and Nervous System is the Greatest Gift to Your Child
