Not Perfect, Just Present - The Real Gift Our Kids Need From Us
As mothers, we want nothing more than to give our children the very best. We read the books, listen to the podcasts, and try to “do all the right things.” But beneath the surface of words and techniques, what our children need most isn’t perfection…it’s our presence.
Presence isn’t about being endlessly calm or patient. It’s about being here, in this moment, with our full selves. And yet, it’s often the hardest thing to offer, because stress, exhaustion, and our own old patterns pull us away.
The Subtle Ways We Leave Ourselves
Most of the time, when we drift out of presence, it’s not intentional. These are survival strategies we picked up long ago—ways our body learned to protect us from feeling too much. In motherhood, they sneak back in, sometimes daily.
Here are some of the ways it can look:
Checking out – spacing out, scrolling, binge-watching, or losing yourself in busyness when the day feels overwhelming.
Overthinking – worrying, obsessing, or mentally rehearsing what could go wrong instead of feeling what’s here.
Keeping it light – laughing things off, gossiping, or brushing struggles aside with “it’s all good” when it’s actually really hard.
Getting caught in conflict – blaming, arguing, or turning frustration outward when things inside feel unbearable.
Seeking comfort in habits – food, wine, shopping, social media, or even exercise and meditation when used to avoid sitting with discomfort.
Body responses – tension, bracing, or even collapsing when stress feels too much to carry.
These are what I call impasses. They are moments where we move away from feeling. They are not bad or wrong. In fact, many of them were probably shaped in childhood as ways of surviving hard or overwhelming experiences when we didn’t feel safe or supported to actually feel. But when we’re caught in them, we’re not truly here. And our children feel the gap.
What Our Children Really Learn
Here’s the part that can sting: our children don’t learn who to be from what we say nearly as much as from what we embody.
When we disconnect, tense, or check out, they sense it immediately. When we soften, take a breath, and return, they learn that too. Presence or the absence of it ripples through our family in ways words never could.
Coming Back Home
The gift of presence is that it doesn’t mean we never leave. It means we notice when we’ve gone and we return. Again and again.
Coming back can be simple but often reqires us to establish a sense of safety to feel what it is we don’t want to feel.
Some ways that might support you in feeling safe:
Using a grounding breath.
A hand placed on your heart.
Feeling the floor beneath your feet.
Naming what you feel, instead of shutting it down.
Seeking connection and co-regulation with another person, therapist or in nature.
Let’s be honest - it is hard and it is the result of a deeply woven way of being. Every time you return, you show your children what it means to be human not flawless, but willing to come back. That is the deepest form of teaching.
Why This Includes You
So much of motherhood is focused outward on caring, giving, meeting needs. But presence asks us to include ourselves. To notice our own patterns, to tend to our nervous system, to offer compassion to the parts of us that still tighten or freeze.
Because when we come home to ourselves, empathy flows naturally. And that is what allows us to truly meet our children where they are.
Your children don’t need a perfectly patient, endlessly calm mother. They need you - human, real, sometimes pulled away but always willing to return.
Presence is the gift that shapes them more than any words. And the path back to presence always begins with including yourself.
Continue Reading
Embodied Motherhood: Rediscovering Your Body on the Journey of Becoming a Mother
Motherhood, Guilt, and the Myth of Getting It Right All the Time
Sleep Deprivation in Motherhood: How Exhaustion Affects Your Nervous System & Parenting
Why Taking Care of Your Body and Nervous System is the Greatest Gift to Your Child
