Why “Just Relax” Doesn’t Work When You’re a Mum
Key Points for Busy Mums
Chronic stress in motherhood is ongoing and cumulative, not momentary
Stress lives in the nervous system and body, not only in thoughts
Relaxation techniques can help, but rarely work alone
Cognitive and emotional labour keep the body in a state of alertness
Emotional regulation develops through safety, connection, and support
True ease grows through embodied, relational, and compassionate care
Hearing the words “just relax” or “you know what you need is to relax” said to me can send me off the deep end! It’s often said by another who wants the best for you but also wants to give you a quick (and ineffective) fix so they don’t have to sit with your exhaustion and pain.
This advice or suggestion assumes that stress is a simple state we can switch off, like a light, but the reality of being a mum is far more layered, embedded in the rhythms of nervous systems, emotional regulation, and lived experience.
Motherhood stress is ongoing, not momentary
When we talk about stress in motherhood, we aren’t talking about a fleeting moment of feeling overwhelmed. We’re talking about sustained pressures that pulse through our bodies and minds over time. Research into parenting stress shows that ongoing maternal stress is associated with emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and longer-term impacts on both parent and child when it becomes chronic rather than occasional.
This kind of stress accumulates quietly. It builds through interrupted sleep, constant mental load, emotional labour, and the feeling of always being needed, and it doesn’t dissolve simply because someone suggests slowing down.
Stress lives in the nervous system, not just the mind
Psychological and physiological research shows that the stress many mothers carry does not live only in thought patterns or mindset. Chronic stress activates the body’s stress response systems, particularly the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis, increasing cortisol and influencing how the brain and nervous system function over time. This affects memory, emotional regulation, energy, and the ability to feel settled in the body.
This is why a short breathing exercise can sometimes feel like a drop in the ocean. The nervous system is responding to accumulated demand, not a single stressful thought.
Why relaxation techniques often aren’t enough on their own
Breathing practices, mindfulness, and relaxation techniques can be supportive when they are offered gently and woven into daily life, but research suggests they rarely create lasting change on their own. A systematic review of relaxation interventions during pregnancy and early motherhood found that while these practices can reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms, the effects are generally modest and strongest when combined with broader emotional, relational, and contextual support.
Relaxation is not a standalone solution when the body is still navigating constant cues of responsibility, vigilance, and demand.
The invisible load that keeps the body alert
Another reason “just relax” falls short is the invisible emotional and cognitive labour carried by mothers. The constant planning, anticipating, remembering, decision making, and emotional holding creates a sustained cognitive load that taxes attention and nervous system capacity. Research on directed attention fatigue shows that when attentional resources are continuously depleted, our ability to self regulate and settle becomes compromised, making brief attempts at relaxation feel ineffective.
The body cannot easily soften when it is still tracking what needs to be done next.
Emotional regulation grows through safety and connection
Research into emotional regulation further helps us understand why calming ourselves is not something we can command in moments of overload. Emotional regulation develops through repeated experiences of safety, connection, and support, and is shaped across time rather than activated instantly. Studies highlight that regulation is rooted in nervous system flexibility and relational experience, not willpower.
This is especially relevant in motherhood, where regulation is often shared, interrupted, and stretched thin.
What mothers actually need instead
The phrase “just relax” overlooks how deeply our emotional world is shaped by our environments and relationships. Stress in motherhood is sustained by real conditions such as uneven support systems, disrupted sleep, mental load, financial pressure, and the constant responsibility of caring for others. Asking a mother to relax without tending to these realities is like asking the body to soften while it is still bracing against the day.
What mothers often need is not instruction but understanding. Not a directive to calm down, but space to acknowledge what is actually being carried. When stress is met with gentleness, relational support, and practices that work with the body rather than against it, the nervous system gradually learns that it is allowed to soften.
True ease grows slowly. It emerges through moments of safety, connection, rest woven into ordinary days, and a compassionate relationship with our own inner world. Your nervous system is not asking to be fixed or quietened. It is asking to be met, over time, with care.
And within that meeting, something deeper than relaxation becomes possible.
